Posted on Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I'm working on a longer post now that will talk about my experiences on the trip in more detail, but it's gonna take a while to get everything written up, so I thought I'd give you a quick one outlining some things I learned from my trip.
What to Call Your Host Country
In descending order of preference:
The first of these is by far the most preferred. The English talk about being in "the U.K." the way people from Orange County talk about being from "the O.C.".
The difference, of course, is that the English do not have a pathological fear of black people.
An Abomination Against God and Man
Warm beer, OK. Warm Coca-Cola?
Not so much.
How To Get Funny Looks From the Locals
Go to Oxford and try to find something to eat after 11PM. I challenge you.
How To Get Funny Looks From the Locals, Part the Second
Just because they use money that is printed in all sorts of comical colors, it is not considered culturally appropriate when changing money to wave your new British pounds in the air and announce loudly "I'm buying Park Place! I'm buying Park Place!"
Consider yourself warned.
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If you think anything I write here represents the opinions of anybody but myself, you need more help than I can give you. The opinions are all mine, folks. Nobody else's.
If that's too hard to understand... well, I'm sorry. There's only so much I can do. I'm not a therapist, and I'm not a miracle worker. I wish I could help you work through your delusional belief that I'm speaking for anyone else but myself. Honestly, I do. But in the end, that's a monkey you'll have to get off your back on your own. Sorry.
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You made me spit Coke on my keyboard. Damn you. :)
Personally I call it England or...
"This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,
This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,
This other Eden, demi-paradise,
This fortress built by Nature for herself
Against infection and the hand of war,
This happy breed of men, this little world,
This precious stone set in the silver sea,
Which serves it in the office of a wall
Or as a moat defensive to a house,
Against the envy of less happier lands,--
This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England."
And what's wrong with a little mulled coke?
I also like to call it Fitswoodler Wizbang, but only after rather a lot of Fuller's London Pride.